To Be or Not To Be, That is the Question

So today I had my 1st official observation for my pre-intern position in a middle school...yeah, lets say it didn't go so well. I mean I survived it, but I think it definitely could have been better. It didn't matter that I had prepared so carefully, had like two or three different activities for them to do to explain probability...it just didn't work. Everything just seemed to go out of the window, and new planning had to be done in the middle of class. The whole thing made me feel kind of bad. I felt bad because I allowed my nervousness to get the better of me and I didn't keep myself together, but as soon as the kids started to show signs of unhappiness( which was right at the beginning of the lesson) I slipped. This has always been a problem because I've never been very good with reacting to a crowd, especially not an unhappy crowd. After the observation I really started to question and doubt my abilities to become a teacher. What would be the point if I'm not really good at it? From all of the observations that went on in the school I'm in I think my observation was the worst. I know because I asked. What does that tell you. But at the same time I find myself really resisting to the thought of quitting or giving up. First, because I know that God led me to do this, to study to become a Special Education teacher. I can't just say to the Lord "You made a mistake" because that's definitely not true. The people of God who are amazing at what they do have had to be greatly trained by God to be who they are today. And I have no doubt that being a Special Education teacher will be a way to glorify God...I just need to have more faith that He will mold me to be a good one for His glory. So there is still hope! :o> Secondly, I have come to feel really convicted about kids in secondary needing good role models in their lives; adults who truly care about them and want to see them succeed. See, I understand why the kids didn't take it so well that I was teaching today: I hadn't done it before in the classroom. The kids that are in these classes are kids who do not like change in routine and definitely don't like surprises and guess what? I was a surprise for them today. These kids have so many problems outside of school that when it comes to the classroom they like the stability that they get from them. The teachers I observe for two days a week are great. I can see that they really care for these kids, and that it frustrates them to see the kids not do what they have to do because they want them to succeed. Now in days the school system is more than just an academic place. Teachers are becoming second parents to a lot of these kids because biological parents have to work two jobs a day to keep the rent and food money flowing; there are so many broken families and problems that kids have that they just bring it right into the classroom... And I'm sure that they usually don't have or want to talk to anyone about it because what can talking about it really solve? At least that is what I use to think when I was in middle/high school and was going through family problems. Right now the generation that is and will come into the school systems have more than just academic worries to deal with.
And when I think about all of this, it reminds me why I want to be a teacher. I want to be part of the lives of kids who for 8 hours or so go into a building and cry out for what they might not get anywhere else: peace and stability. Even though they might drive out MY peace and stability. That's why I have Jesus!